About Connection & Intimacy
We can survive alone, but not thrive alone.
We all seek (crave perhaps) connection and intimacy. Some seek a spiritual connection and others a connection with nature (or both), whatever the focus, that need for connection is a deep-rooted part of being human. The difference between Survival and Thrival being that connection and intimacy with other people, even if it is one person. Yet, it seems in modern society that the ability to connect is becoming increasingly problematic. Either through dissociation encouraged by “social media” or simply a lack of opportunity to find like-minded people to connect with. It is particularly difficult for those that have lost a partner either through separation/divorce, or through death.
All too often, one of the major barriers preventing connection is the tendency to constrain ourselves within the prison of our ego instead of allowing ourselves the freedom and courage to be truly authentic and explore outside of these confines. As a consequence, we may make excuses to shy away from connecting in the first place or seek safety through controlling each encounter by erecting a façade of ego around us as a shield to hide behind through a fear of our real, authentic self being seen and “found out as a fraud”, fear of exposing any shame or weakness that we may carry with us. This façade instantly creating separation and distance instead of connection.
For example, in dating we may baulk at the pressure of the agenda involved in such encounters. To counter that pressure we simply need to agree to remove the agenda off the table and just connect person to person instead of checking each other out as prospective partners.
To truly connect we first have to let go of self. To have the courage to relinquish and dispense with any personal agenda and control of each encounter, the courage to be exposed and vulnerable.
For connection comes through synchrony, synchrony in our way of thinking, moving, being and responding to signals. It is through synchrony that we resonate with each other. It is only through synchrony of, and resonance with, our authentic selves that we will make a genuine and lasting connection. Synchrony gained through the resonance of ego, is most likely to disappear quickly once that connection becomes more intimate, and the façade of ego starts to slip and reveal the true self underneath.
Intimacy is where we have stablished a connection and, incrementally perhaps, allowed our protective shield to slip, to allow our true humanity to shine through. Removing barriers, walls and filters ultimately allowing ourselves to be fully exposed to engender a direct, synchronous connection. The more we let that shield slip away, the deeper the level of intimacy. In order for that to happen there needs to be mutual trust between, and acceptance of, each other. The more complete that trust and acceptance, the deeper the intimacy. Absolute trust, acceptance and intimacy is unfortunately rare though, as we all tend to hold back something through fear of disappointment or betrayal.
Because intimacy is established through surrendering our “self” and allowing ourselves to be exposed, vulnerable and “naked” it is most frequently associated with physical connection and sex. However, intimacy comes through any means where absolute trust and surrender is involved. Sometimes that ultimate depth of intimacy comes through other means and my own personal experience is an example of that:
I nursed my wife of 35 years at home myself through her final months of life. She was suffering from an unusual form of cancer that took hold with a vengeance in February 2020 as Covid was spreading and just before the country went into full Covid lockdown. As a consequence of Covid lockdown, direct medical support was limited. The drugs that she was on to alleviate pain incapacitated her requiring me to service her every need from feeding her, to toileting her, managing her medication & pain levels, managing her insulin levels as she was also diabetic, and every 3 days dressing the ever-growing fungating tumour that was spreading across her torso. She was 100% dependent on me and had full faith and trust in me. She passed away in mid July 2020 just as lockdown was slowly being lifted.
It was exhausting and traumatic, yet the most intensely intimate experience I think anyone can ever have. However, it has left me understanding what true intimacy is, and, strangely perhaps, I miss it.
Such an experience makes one realise what is important in life and to stop wasting time on the unimportant things in life, and to always be truly authentic. For me, that has resulted in me having no filters, if I feel something needs to be said it will just come out – good or bad.
Connection requires communication whether it be verbal or through other means, but the key aspect to communication is in being receptive.
Throughout my life I have come across people who describe themselves as “good communicators” who, as the saying goes, could “talk the hind leg off a donkey”, but consummately fail in that key aspect of communication – listening. In “communicating” so many people make the mistake of being so eager to get their point across, and being so busy considering their response that they fail to listen to what is actually being said and even interrupting those that are speaking. This is ego at work. For a true connection, we need to leave our ego at the door and be prepared to listen, and to listen with compassion, without judgment with an open mind and open heart.
Verbal communication is just one aspect of how we connect. We can of course connect physically, but also through our actions, our movement, our body language, our inner stillness, through our eyes, our breathing and touch. We connect through the dance of interplay between what we project and what we reflect and both of those depend on how open and receptive we are to incoming signals and how we interpret them.
One of the most time honoured and universal methods of connection is through dance. Almost every culture and even species across the planet initiates connection through some form of dance. A dance of question and response – whether physical, verbal, the glance of an eye, tilt of the head or touching our hair. Dance is a safe way of assessing synchrony between two people. From disco, to ballroom to ecstatic dance it provides an opportunity to be seen and to connect in a joyful way. That is why this website is called “Dances with Life” and is primarily aimed at connecting through dance.
Rod Tallowin